The mother daughter relationship is a fundamental, core relationship. We all have a mother, and it is a pivotal connection, not just for our youth but for how we move through our entire lives.
In the past year or so, several of my beloved students have lost their mothers. In my community and at my stage of life, this is something that is happening more regularly, and I wanted to address it here, to dedicate this space to this extremely important relationship.
Not only are we contending with aging mothers, but so many of us also have growing daughters. As the women in the middle of this sandwich, we have both the joy and frustration of multiple perspectives. In a time where we are grappling with own aging and maturity, we must deal with the complexities of their transitions as well.
What makes a mother-daughter relationship “good?” What are those deep rooted needs that we look to our mother to fulfill? What are the complaints we have, consistently, about what was or is lacking in this relationship, and does this inform our relationship with our children, in particular, our daughters?
We’ll look at a few of the everyday struggles and common challenges that so many of us experience. The painful and joyful interactions that influence our beliefs, self-image and behaviors today.
I’ve been gifted with a positive and healthy relationship with her mother. Trying to be objective, but also to draw upon those core elements that gave me a strong launch pad, I believe it comes down to connection, acceptance, and belief.
Connection, Acceptance and Belief
I believe that these qualities are at the essence of all good relationships, but in particular, the mother-daughter bond. Connection was forged in utero, but healthy connection takes effort throughout our lives.
Acceptance, well that is quite the area of vulnerability for children and we crave it (even as adult children) as it feels so linked to our understanding of unconditional love. Being seen for who we are, being accepted and hopefully appreciated for who we are, conveys deep stores of love.
And finally, belief in us. Beyond accepting us for who we are, a mother’s belief in her child is one of the most elevating expressions of love she can give. With connection we stay rooted, with acceptance we feel at home and with belief we can soar.
An areas of the mother-daughter bond that is often strained is when women feel their moms have a critical eye on them. Can you relate? This is where we might not feel accepted for who we are. That we are always falling short of the mark. This voice of self-doubt or criticism might be your mother’s voice. Or it might be your own, towards yourself or your own children.
Another common area of tension is when mom’s drama is your drama. Is your mother is needy? You may find that you don’t have strong barriers and it is easy to get caught up in her unresolved issues. This is where the thread of connection might be too strong, and more space and boundaries are necessary.
Another area can be neglect. You may not feel noticed or appreciated by your mother, and this can result in your constantly trying to please her or others, or rebel as a way of gaining attention. I think that this is where you can feel the lack of all three…no connection, acceptance or belief. This is a lonely place, and that void aches.
I am not going to go into deeper issues of trauma or abuse, but even within these more normalized patterns, the wounds that we might have from childhood and beyond often affect our relationship not just with our mothers, but with ourselves and all others.
Mothering Ourselves – Three Paths
Whether you have a healthy, nurtured relationship with your Mom, or one that is more wounded, we all can learn to nourish our mothering relationship to ourselves through three ideas.
- Wholeness in ourselves – This actually requires a separateness from our mothers, as we take responsibility for our own self, separate from her, even if it a healthy attachment.
- Compassion – For her and for us.
- Agency – We have the ability to cultivate love and nurturing and direct it to ourselves and others.
I have been blessed with a mother I’m connected to. A mother who accepts and believes in me, and continues to be a source of love and nourishment. Yet, I still struggle as a mother. When connection doesn’t easily form, and certain behaviors (teenagers!) are hard to accept and believe in…well, this is a struggle. I have to continue to replenish my stores of faith and love in this bond. To actively practice Wholeness, Compassion and Agency. Especially when I’m feeling rejected or that I’m failing. I believe that this active practice will bear fruit (teenagers grow up eventually, right?). In the meantime, I can pour my nurturing energy into my students and my business. ❤
